Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a mental disorder characterized by disturbed and unstable interpersonal relationships and self-image. i have a BPD and personally if i'm not physically with a person no matter who they are, even my family, then my feelings for them don't exist. Do a woman with Borderline personality disorder feel better in a close relationship, or better in a long distance relationship? How can someone with borderline personality disorder actually have a long distance relationship? BPD is capable of a long-distance relationship.
You may love her. She may love you. You may wish that she was better, and that you could be a stabilizing, healthy influence in her life, but you can't. No one could, really. She needs to find her own support system and take responsibility for her own wellbeing and actions, and both of those really require local solutions.
Also, taking her away from her life as she knows it isn't necessarily the best idea. Your support system works for you wherever you arebut it isn't clear that it would work for her. You just wish it would, and you could envelop her in the support and gifts you have, and save her. But it doesn't always work that way.
People can grow resentful, particularly when this is sort of your intervention. You might turn into the bad guy. Or the disappointed one, if she rejects your friends and family and therapy, which you believe would help.
In the end, you're fighting harder to take care of her than she is to take care of herself. You can't do this for her. It is so hard to watch someone harm themselves, or push you and everything good away, but she's doing it with the suicide threats, etc.
Being in a LDR while living with borderline personality disorder
Tell her you love her. Tell her you wish her well. Tell her that for your own health and well being, you need to distance yourself. And then grieve, but distance yourself. This isn't about you and your health issues specifically - her behavior would probably drag down the healthiest, best trained psychiatrist who specialized in international patients, if they were somehow going to be responsible for her as a friend as you are suggesting moving her away from friends and family, getting her set up with mental health care, connecting her with your family, etc.
In my mind, if she really wanted to come to you, she'd have spent the money you sent her on the passport and visa, or she would have borrowed it from the roommate, or whatever.
The other scary part is that if she comes to you, then you're her only source of support. What if you can't handle it? How does she get back to Fiji? I guess I agree with everyone else who says that it's too much. It'd be too much even if she lived down the street, honestly. I'm taking the advice. As far as the calls for getting me a shrink are concerned: I'm not sure if your implying that I have lost touch to the point I was asking for it or I should have known better?
Listen, the last 24 hours have certainly crystallized a number of concerns that I have had brewing for some time in hindsight.
It took 6 months to collect all what I put above. But take away the truths learned in the last 24 hours and you have a relationship that was full of love that I think or at least thought was sincere and very little intentional hardship created by her, drinking aside. Of the whole 6 months minus yesterday, it's been almost entirely positive aside from long distance sux.
I feel I created a worse case picture of her that is unfair. In fairness I want to point out Fijian drinking age is 18 and she's 20 so judging from how I've seen some American 20yr old's drink, that was not an immediate red flagand the Hindi Pop Culture from what I absorbed is very stark about romantic terms. Saying lovingly "I love you, I'd die without you, I'd kill for you" is very different from the turn of using it in an emotionally extorting kind of way.
But yes, now that it's reared its head, looking back that seemingly loving stuff looks ominous. The sincere and directed suicide threat changes everything. The practical side of things comes into stark relief, everything falls apart. It was childish and fanciful to think that I could get her here and support her. I didn't know about the financial and health considerations they impose. I want to think there is something I could do. I want to think that I could make someone's dreams come true, and mine in the process.
But like I said, I know Borderline. If this is it, than nothing changes when she gets here or gets help. It probably gets worse being ripped away from her home. There is no choice. Any ideas on what to say or how to say nothing? And the most auspicious start to a relationship is when both partners, or at least one of them, are at a somewhat OK point in their life.
Neither of you is there, really. And whilst you sound like you might be going through a rough patch, at least employment-wise, and therefore financially, she sounds - well, she sounds like really hard, mind-blowing work. So I'd say approach this methodically: Work on yourself first.
Really concentate on getting back into the world of employment and health insurance - both for your sake, and for hers, should this relationship survive. Try to forge a comfortable space for yourself, inducive to reflecting, and try to figure out what is important to you in relationships. And make it about all kinds of relationships, not just amorous ones.
What would attract you to a new friend now, what would make you elect somebody as a long-term friends? Is it their charisma? The fact that they give you the time of day? The fact that you can help them? Their reliability, honesty, qualities as a partner? Try to really envision what it would mean to have someone in you life pretty much for ever - what kind of person would you like them to be? Could you maintain you relationship for many, many years?
How would they behave towards you if you saw them day-in, day-out? Really take your time to figure this out, even ask for help - from people who know you, your therapist, etc. And then, once you know what you value and what you need in a relationship, try to determine how your Fijian friend measures up against this - which is really a minimum requirement when allowing new people to enter our intimacy. In your circumstances, it will be even more important to be aware of this, because, being made vulnerable by your unemployed, non-insured situation, you might be more likely to skip weighing things and just give in to your longing to have someone by your side - even if that someone is more like a day-dream than a real person.
Once you figured out what you want from an intimate relationship, and to what extent your girlfriend is it: If yes, what would it take? Write it out for her, and try to open a line of communication with her on these issues. Tell her that if she wants to keep talking with you she's gotta stop with the suicide threats and my advice is that, once you said that to her, you interrupt any communication with her if she bings it up again, completely and for good - that is an awful move on her part.
Tell her that you need someone who is able to take responsibility for themselves - so no more drama about who she goes out with and when or where.
Tell her that you cannot keep sending her money intended for her trip to America without seeing some clear evidence that she is taking steps to make it happen. Whatever it is that you have figured out about yourself and your own needs. If her response does not acknowledge the stuff that has happened, if she threatens anything again - suicide or anything else, if she attacks you for putting down boundaries, or if it becomes obvious that she merely pays lip-service to the issues you raised, I'd say back off.
And if she comes back after a while, make sure that whatever you do doesn't trap you in an unwanted situation - such as you being responsible for an ultimately unreformed her once she is in the US. Moving to a different country is difficult enough without so many problems attached to it. If you feel guilty for having jilted her, what with all her problems and precarious mental state - go volunteer somewhere, help somehwere where your emotional involvement is not so intense.
It sounds to me like you are in equal measure in love with her and emotionally blackmailing yourself or allowing yourself to be blackmailed - sometimes it amounts to the same into this relationship. Help someone else, and tell yourself that if you have to let go of this one, so be it and such is life. She is making it very difficult on you, and, in my opinion, it would be a bad mistake to keep this going as it has so far.
You love her, she says she loves you. Listen to the very wise advice above. Just stop taking her calls, responding to IMs, emails, etc. She'll rage for a while, but she'll bounce back as soon as she finds someone else she can direct her attention to. There was actually a lot in that narrative about the very, very different attitude towards money and particularly the money that comes from abroad.
Her abuse of your money may not a be seen as an abuse by her, b seen as an abuse of you or an indication of her feelings for you.
There's also just a lot of drama that goes on with being Have you mentioned yet your own age? I am not drama free, I admit that. No one implied that. I think what people are suggesting is that maybe if you met someone while you were manic and she's also somehow mentally ill, you maybe don't know each other nearly as well as you think you do.
I just want to point out that you're spending a LOT of time thinking about what's going on in Fiji, what you can possibly do about it, how you should respond, etc.
Borderline personality disorder and long distance relationships. 10 points for best answer?
You only have her story, and some input from the roommate. You're working with versions of events--not the actual events themselves.
She's going to have to live a life there, without you. Until she's not there anymore. You can't really impact that life from where you're sitting, I just wanted to address the one thing I can speak to. Based not only on her behavior but specifically on her behavior toward you, she sounds like the last person you should invite into your life if you love and respect yourself.
Is that the role you want to play with the woman you intend to marry? Of equal concern to me, since you are the one asking this question, are your attempts to make sense of it as a "natural" product of her circumstances or the culture with which she identifies. This is really the line that made me go the reply box: As an avid Hindi film fan and a person with several friends born, raised, and living in India, let me assure you: Hindi films, and Indian pop culture, do not explain her attitudes or behavior.
None of my friends who were raised on this cinema and still watch it would think this behavior is acceptable. Stop trying to rationalize or understand her behavior in ways that make it more acceptable. Before you make any decisions about her, you should be honest with YOURSELF, even and especially if you fear that self-honesty is going to lead you to make decisions and conclusions that you dread.
To add to this, my parents are from India, and my family history is from that culture and -- no, I have never heard it being OK to behave that way.
Bollywood movies are not an excuse for this type of behavior. I told her point blank "I love you, but I regard talk about suicide very seriously and will not be emotionally manipulated or extorted like that. Stick to your guns on this. Threatening suicide is a really unfair thing to do to a partner, and even after you told her so, she did it again.
Even if you could get her the US, it doesn't sound like you should. People like this will attempt to drag you back into their lives over and over if you let them. The only way to make them stop is to completely cut off contact. Here are some questions you need to ask yourself: So things might not happen, but given how things are going right now, they probably will. And let me tell you, as someone with a bit of a rescue complex myself, stopping your wife from killing herself seems noble and romantic the first 15 or 20 times that you take the pills from her hands, throw the razors away, call or do a two day vigil until she calms down.
After that it just gets old. Caregiver burn-out is a real thing. And BPD sufferers don't do nuance. It feels great when she thinks your an angel, but it's no fun when she decides that you're the devil. And that phase can last Marriage is hard enough with healthy people. Find one of them. I have two craters in my life where I should have family, happiness and contentment.
I saw the same kinds of signs you've seen, and I was naive enough to think that people change more than they do. I went through relationships with borderline people twice, and wasted what might have been the best years of my life in the process.
The most important thing in my life — my fatherhood, will always persist, but even that was a near thing, and took an enormous amount of energy and heartache to defend. I encourage you to contemplate in the most real and vivid way the worst-case scenarios, and stretch them out over a lifetime. I wish I had done so 15 years ago. Most bipolar sufferers experience only one or two mood changes a year.
Indeed, if the mood changes occur as frequently as four times a year, they are called "rapid cycling. This sudden BPD mood flip is not caused by a body chemistry change but, rather, by the BPDer's overreaction to some minor thing that has been said or done. This is why BPD mood flips are said to be "event triggered.
Granted, anything is possible. Specifically, it is possible for bipolar mood changes to be exhibited in an ultra-rapid cycle, where they can change in a single day -- or even several times in one day. Such ultra-rapid cycles are rare, however. Moreover, they tend to occur when a bipolar sufferer is so severely manic that he is transitioning into a psychotic state.
With my bipolar foster son, for example, the only times I ever saw ultra-rapid cycling was on those rare days when he was slipping into psychosis. If you are interested, I describe the basic differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of bipolar sufferers e.
If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.