A Guide to Dating Butch Women - AfterEllen
Butch versus femme isn't real because butches and femmes don't see a lesbian relationship, and no one is arguing about who wears pants. In a femme and stud relationship (femme meaning a gay/bi girly girl) the stud takes the male role almost all the time because, the girl is either “ too” girly to take . Several months ago I wrote an entry entitled Stud 4 stud, Femme 4 femme, heterosexual relationship models of masculine/feminine pairing.
Have you ever felt completely unheard and misunderstood when sharing this with a man? Has a man ever tried to diminish that experience or talk you out of what you know to be true? How did that feel? Remember that when your beautiful butch lady opens up. When she shares her struggle, listen and handle with care.
Before we can share them with the people we love, we first have to take time to process for ourselves. Keep this in mind when your butch partner begins to open up to you about her experiences as a masculine identified woman.
Know that this type of communication may leave her feeling a bit vulnerable. Just listen to her and speak with love. In general, when we build a romantic relationship with someone, we want nothing more than to have empathy for their hardship.
We know that, if we can walk through that pain, we can love our partners on a deeper level. And, although facing their pain in such a real way may hurt, it will only serve to further solidify the bond that we share. Unfortunately for us femmes, when it comes to understanding our butch counterparts, there will always be a barrier that cannot be crossed. And that barrier is lived experience.
As a lesbian woman who has been feminine throughout my life, I cannot fully understand what it is like to live as my wife; a butch woman.
I have not walked through this world knowing that being who I am is an affront to the sensibilities of many. I simply cannot understand. I can empathize and ask questions and listen. But, I cannot completely know.
The (Real) Truth About Butch vs Femme
I cannot fully understand what it means to be butch any more than a man can fully understand what it means to be woman. As a white woman, I cannot fully understand what it means to be black.
- A Guide to Dating Butch Women
As a cis woman, I cannot fully understand what it means to be trans. I can only listen to her and support her and defend her right to be exactly who she is. Getty Images I must also include that, if you are attracted to butches, you should go for it. I have been drawn to masculine women for as long as I can remember, but shied away from taking a shot with one because I got caught up in superficialities.
Those bothersome conversations do happen, just as I feared. I feared that I would be perceived as the weaker, more subservient partner because, again, society has such a narrow view of what strength looks like. And, again, I often am perceived as such, just as I feared.
But I cannot base my decisions on fear of the prejudices and ignorance of others.
The Rainbow Room: THIS is why Studs & Fems can't be friends
So, here I am: It has its own set of struggles as, in so many ways, we come from different worlds, but it is our own unique version of happiness. By unattracted I mean, there's something about the fem that turns the stud wayyyy off, and there's something about the stud that the fem can't romantically tolerate. Under these conditions, a healthy and non-romantic friendship may be possible because there's no imminent threat of anything else happening.
There's this thing that I call StemChem. Studs if they're worth anything have this natural need to protect fems. Some even go as far as to cater to fems if it comes naturally, example: All of this doesn't always necessarily mean that the stud wants to jump the fems bones. She could just be very considerate and charming, which is great. But then, you have us fems.
Most of us really really like being treated with that sort of attention and care. Many women are not use to it and when they get a taste of the "treatment", its instant addiction.
It's quite easy for fems to get caught up in being treated like a lady cuz um So introduce a fem to a GOOD stud who knows how to act and its a wrap. Head in the clouds, butterflies in the stomach, and pussy jumpin-jacks. And of course the stud starts to feel like she's doin something right, her ego will get stroked and this will only make her step it up even more, which only makes the fem drool even more, which only makes the stud start thinkin hmmmmm, which then makes the fem start thinking hmmmmmm, and once the fem thinks hmmmm it's a done deal people.
Cuz if the fem is open, TRUST, the stud will be there to fill whichever wide open spaces that need to be plugged. It's a fragile and dangerous cycle, this StemChem.
And it happens 9 times outta Just because the dynamic is there, doesn't mean both people will always be willing to throw caution to the wind and risk a friendship by taking it to a sexual or emotionally inappropriate level. Either the stud or the fem might have a strong dose of common sense and know when and how to back up before it gets too hot.