Asking For What You Want In Your Relationship Isn’t Needy, It’s Sexy | Thought Catalog
Open, honest communication is important in a healthy relationship. Learn If your partner does something that makes you angry, you need to tell them about it. The biggest issue in most relationships is communication and how we choose to get our needs met. Let's share some stories about two guys. But when you're communicating what you need in a relationship, it's important to remember that there are two people who are impacted by your.
Caleb Ekeroth Far too often I work with guys that feel like they get walked on in their dating life. Most guys struggle in their dating lives because they choose not to assert themselves in fear of being rejected, or being deemed unmanly for seeming needy. I used to date girls that would make me feel insecure. Instead of telling them directly what made me feel insecure, I acted in manipulative ways to get my needs met.
This is also known as Protest Behavior. This is unhealthy, and leads to further dysfunction in a relationship. The biggest issue in most relationships is communication and how we choose to get our needs met. After a few dates with Kara, Jon felt very confused. The very first date was at a local dive bar where they sung karaoke and made friends with some of the elderly folks, who asked if they were married.
They spent a few hours chatting and singing until Kara abruptly said she had to leave. She said good-bye and vanished out the door.
How to Identify and Express Your Needs in Relationships
They had a few drinks, shared childhood stories and then spent two hours learning how to dance. Again, at the end of the night, she bolted out the door. He kept wondering why was she still texting him asking for future plans. What was he doing wrong?
Frustrated, Jon talked about this with his close friend over drinks. His friend convinced him to stop wondering about the reasons behind her behavior and just ask her. This behavior is typically hard for Jon because he is always scared of the response and potential rejection, but he told himself that at the age of 28, that he had no more time to waste on the wrong girl.
He asked Kara to meet him for coffee and a walk around a nearby lake. He was beating around the bush at first, but finally spoke up. What are you looking for?
The Key to Communication in Relationships | Tony Robbins
Jon proceeded to ask her about the no-touch rule he felt she was enforcing. She kept beating around the bush, but she never answered the question. He no longer had to worry about all the theories he had about her behavior. A few months later, Jon found out through a friend that Kara had been going through a divorce and was still hooking up with her ex. Jon was glad he expressed his concerns early on, saving months of false hope and foreseeable rejection.
Both men and women with secure attachment styles naturally speak up, while people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles tend to struggle with getting their needs met. This is not true. Ben and Julie were watching a movie for their fourth date. Ben sat down first, near the middle. What determines whether we interpret an experience as comfortable or uncomfortable?
If past experience is not the whole story, we have to look to the present, which means that we have to listen to our body. From the perspective of our body, our feelings of comfort or discomfort are primitive. We feel distress, sadness, and pain when we are not. All emotions derive from needs.
Repeat this sentence to yourself like a mantra until you grasp the profound simplicity of this insight. Whenever you are uncomfortable, in distress, or in emotional pain, you can begin to change your situation by realizing that you are suffering because you are not getting something you need or want.
When a child wants to be held by his mother, being picked up makes him happy; not being held makes him sad. On the other hand, when the child wants to play with his friends, being held makes him miserable, whereas running free brings him pleasure. Emotions derive from needs. When our needs are being met, we feel comfortable. When they are not, we feel uncomfortable.
Asking For What You Want In Your Relationship Isn’t Needy, It’s Sexy
If you can accept that needs determine emotions, you are ready for the next step: Experiencing greater emotional well-being flows from mastering the ability to clearly communicate what you want in life.
This is a learned response. If you are not currently adept in this area, it is because you learned from people who were not proficient. Emotional turbulence arises when outcomes do not align with our intentions—when our experiences do not fulfill our expectations. I encourage you to master it by practicing the following simple method.