What am I doing wrong in my relationships? - selfesteem boundaries commitment | Ask MetaFilter
If there's anything I do that allows my relationship to thrive, it's that I am quick to apologize when I screw up. So while other couples may have simmering anger. Healthy relationships make for good health and should help you feel secure, strong, relationship and then later wondering where it all went wrong (see my face checking where they are and what they are doing and/or thinking and feeling. My words are giving one message, but I am also in subtle ways . We will look at 3 keys to success that successful people are doing that you can model to.
But the problem is we never realize what really went wrong. Not paying enough attention: Although one could never really insist on keeping things as dreamy as it was in the beginning, you must never fail to pay attention at any point in time. Texting, playing or watching TV while your partner is trying to share something is rude and is going to end up in arguments.
As time passes many ignore to appreciate their partners for who they are. Sometimes those small compliments can strengthen your bond more than anything. You let it slip and your relationship is doomed to drown. If you think avoiding an argument is going to calm things down, then you are completely wrong.
It is just going to build more anger in your partner and establish an idea about your lack of involvement. A relationship will have some areas of giving up from both sides and all of us do expect it to be fair. But trying to maintain a scorecard to find if it is equal is absolutely wrong.
Remember your partner genuinely loves you and trying to manipulate their emotions to get what you want is you taking advantage of them. Trying to change them: First, I'm 23 and female. In the spring ofI was seeing a guy who told me within the first three days that he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me. At the time, I thought this was a sweet declaration, and if I'm honest with all of you and with myself, I probably felt the same way.
Things ended up not working out, and we barely talk anymore. Looking back, I have NO idea what I saw in him at all - we're not really at similar points in life, though we're the same age, and things would never have worked out long term. His early declaration of love should definitely have been a red flag, but I found it charming. Then this past summer, I became involved with another dude who declared that he loved me the very night we met.
This scared me a little bit, but he was incredibly convincing.
10 Things You are Doing Wrong in Your Relationship
He turned out to be married with a young child, and I have ceased contact. Again, I should have been freaked out by how strongly he came on, but he made me feel special and wanted. Most recently, I've been seeing a guy who seems really nice and genuine, but on some level, I'm afraid he's dicking me around. We met about two weeks ago, and already he's discussing taking a vacation together soon and various other Serious Relationship type plans.
This is all fine, except for the niggling voice that tells me the previous guys seemed "nice and genuine" too, and I was quickly sucked into a too-good-to-be-true fantasy relationship which quickly fizzled. I guess it's just hard for me to tell if this is real, or if it's like previous attempts at a relationship.
Anyway, the only consistent factor in all of my relationships is me. I'm beginning to wonder if I give off some kind of needy distress vibe which causes these men to come on really strong.
I had a very difficult childhood and worry that my ability to form healthy relationships has suffered as a consequence. What is it about my approach to relationships that causes this to happen?
How can I take a step back and be a little more objective during the early days of seeing someone? Just put brakes on gently. Those who can handle that are worth exploring further, those who can't aren't. It's flattering and intoxicating when someone suddenly focuses ALL their attention on you. He declares his love for you, and you your imagination and endorphins take care of the rest. Guys who pander directly to women's fantasies about relationships are the lowest form of evil parasitic scum, in my opinion.
Usually they are just totally deluded and not actively deceitful, but it doesn't matter -- it still gets your hopes up, and the more times this happens, the less likely you are to trust an actual good thing when it comes along.
Know your limits, and enforce them. No exceptions -- if someone can't handle your boundaries, then they can't handle you, which means you can't handle them. You might get something out of the several "early warning signs" threads, such as Help me hone my creepometerand look for the phrase "fast-forwarding" as something to look out for.
In other words, when someone comes on strong, check with yourself if the reason you're excited is because of their personality or looks or whatever other qualities, or if it's mostly because of them coming on so strong.
Set boundaries and stick to them. Not in the sense of following "The Rules" and declining dates because he didn't call you by Wednesday, or whatever, but don't immediately jump into spending all your free time together even if you want to. If some sane decent person was respectfully checking me out, I'd have no idea. My love life got way better once I started paying more attention to people who were playing it slow and subtle.
That also meant being willing to make a move myself more often — since decent people will tend to make a small move and then wait to see if you reciprocate, rather than just like unilaterally flinging themselves headfirst into your pants. Anyway, I doubt that you're only attracting the wrong kind of people. More likely, decent people find you perfectly attractive too — but you might be overlooking them.
This is all fine, Why is this fine? Do YOU want to go on a vacation with this guy? Do you feel like you like him enough -- or even know him well enough yet -- to be thinking about serious relationship stuff? Go at your own pace, not at someone else's. If you don't know what your own pace is, then take a step back, and ask him to take a step back, so that you can really think about it. What do YOU want? How do YOU feel about this guy? I have spent most of my life single, and it's something that doesn't really bother me.
I think quick declarations of instant love is a general phenomenon that happens to most women, and your job as a woman is to be discerning and filter, filter, filter. Have a busy life. This makes sure that you don't end up following one date by another the very next night, or turning a Friday first date into a weekend sleepover. Don't get deep and meaningful with people you haven't known for a long time. Don't talk about anything that's really personal to you.
If you get into a long conversation, makeout session, or whatever, you be the one to end it at an appropriate time and leave or find something else to do. Go on dates in which you do things rather than talking about things.
If someone suggests going for Chinese and you don't like Chinese, make sure you say that straight out and suggest something else. If they want you to "come up for a coffee" and you don't really want to, make sure you say no to that too. Have opinions and preferences, even those that might sometimes offend people.
I think you'll find these things will magically fend off the overenthusiastic creep brigade and you won't even have to deal with them.
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It's not exactly that, but you may be for the lack of a better word submitting to the advances, letting them manipulate you more and more. There was probably a few things between the first meeting and the declarations that you note that you're not seeing because you're getting all this wonderful attention. The thing is that Awesome Guys and Supercreeps start out very similarly, and the Supercreeps know that very well. So they keep pushing the boundary and someone who doesn't have a great sense of boundaries thinks "oh man this guy is getting better and better" and then you're on the receiving end of I-love-yous from some married dude with kids who met you several hours ago.
Attention and romance is great, but you've clearly got both a thing for it and underdeveloped boundaries. Next time you're feeling very comfortable with someone you just met, get a little paranoid. Think "who are you to be saying this to someone you do not know. So when the flattery comes, bring out the shields. I think you should commit to trusting your gut and experience any time a guy says something that can't possibly be true or sincere because it's so early in the relationship--make that a deal-breaker.
No matter how charming or genuine a guy seems, even if he believes it himself, if he says something like "I love you" super early: It won't make you a bad person and neither does the guy have to be one --and the good news is, someone who says "I love you" that early in a relationship will have no trouble getting over the "break-up" with you and moving on to someone else.
With more subtle stuff like making vacation plans, I think you need to feel empowered enough to say, "I like you, but I want to take this really slow. A manipulator or emotionally unhealthy person, or someone who just isn't good for you for whatever reason, will try to push you on it. If you're getting all the charm piled in your lap and not reciprocating and it's still piling up, that's an ill omen.
Nearly every guy I've dated has careened into weepy talk of marriage and true love within, like, weeks of our hooking up, if not before. Like you, I've always found it charming and flattering, and found myself reciprocating, though I've known too that it's probably dangerous. I've got six years on you and I've given this a lot of thought, so here's where I think it comes from for me. I'm extraordinarily emotionally permeable. When people have strong feelings around me, I start feeling them too.
And because I'm subject to strong feelings myself, I'm attracted to people who seem similarly emotionally intense. So when guys start emoting all over me, I start mirroring them without realizing I'm doing it. It takes me awhile to notice and quit it. Because I'm pretty, and reserved, and I tend to reflect whatever strong feelings others express to me, it's easy for men who don't know me well to project all kinds of dream girl fantasies onto me, which, because I'm kind of a pleaser, I really work hard to live up to, usually at my own expense.
At first I get a lot of pleasure out that. But what ends up happening is that keeping up that dream girl persona exhausts me, I start expressing my own real feelings and desires, and the guy I've been leading on gets angry and hurt. The relationship I'm in now is very different from my previous relationships, and I think there are two reasons for that.
The first is that my boyfriend and I were platonic friends for many years before we became interested in each other romantically, so he got to know the "real" me, not the romantic persona. The second is that he has a very similar personality, highly emotionally sensitive, eager to please even at his own expense, so we use those talents on one another in tandem, as opposed to the imbalance I've experienced in the past.
The only advice I can give you is to look for a guy with those characteristics, and avoid the really aggressive melodrama peddlers, attractive though they may be. It is OK to say, "Whoa, why not get to know me before you decide you love me?
In the case of the married guy sthey are horrible scummies who are malicious and manipulative and we'll leave it at that. I found that I attracted these first type of guy when I was much younger and way more immature. I, too, felt a need to quickly be "in a relationship" if I went out on so much as a date with a guy. You can give yourself permission to take it slow or casually date more than one guy at a time. I found that it was so much fun I was less likely to sign up for a serious relationship with the first guy who started nosing around vacations or meeting his parents.
Flat out say, "I don't intend to plan a vacation with you until I know you a lot better. Two weeks is not enough time for me to take a road trip or book a hotel in another city. You've been assertive and established boundaries with a good guy who's really into you and eager for more. If he whines or cries or pressures you, then hit the road. It's been 2 weeks, so no harm no foul, right? Your experience so far as taught you that you don't like relationships that get pushy early on, and the most important lesson to learn from this is that it's OK to walk away.
There's nothing wrong or bad per se about falling hard for a person right away. In fact, it's the initial infatuation that leads each person in a relationship to take to get know the other person, warts and all. But strong feelings, no matter how consuming, are not a good measure of long-term compatibility or the healthiness of a relationship. Intensity and intimacy-turned-love are not the same things, although I think we all tend to confuse the two, especially when we're navigating our first adult relationships, as you're doing now.
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Ultimately, falling in love tell us very, very little about whether a person or relationship is good or bad for us. Nor does it really matter whether a person calls it "love. All you can really say is that if you FEEL like you're in love, well, then, you're in love--no matter what anyone tells you, or when you feel that way.
The heart wants what it wants And that what you're learning by staying relatively open and inquisitive, and trying on a lot of guys for size, so to speak, until you find one that fits. And that is all you can really ask of yourself at These are ridiculous statements that aren't to be taken seriously. So let him know that.
As motsque said, you need to do some honest communication here. I am just that awesome! Feedback from friends and family on this revelation: If you can't check yourself let your Mom and some trusted girlfriends help you out.
I'm not into this at all and generally break things off once they enter the "i looooveee you" stage. So about 2 weeks in basically. Literally dozens of times. You do get used to that level of attention though and normal guys might seem like they're not interested. You gave to recalibrate. But the end-result is almost invariably heart-ache. I think people future-fake for a variety of reasons: Some are really into the day-dreamy aspect of things at least relationship-wise.
These people are relatively inoffensive, but cannot be taken too seriously because their day-dreams lack genuine substance. They don't actually think hard about what it would mean, being with you for the rest of their lives day-in, day-out, and having to assume responsibility for being part of a couple, or even just planning and going on a vacation together.
No, they are enchanted, in the abstract, by the idea of "oh, together forever! Costs me nothing to promis you a mansion in Beverly Hills - future-faking in a relationship is at the same level, really. This can be done consciously as with your married guy or unconsciously some people are very good at leading a double life internally, where the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing or thinking.
Some want to make sure they get carte blanche in the present by dangling a sparkly, if hazy future in front of your eyes. You get angry because they keep cancelling, or always plan things taking only their own convenience into account, make promises and then renege on them, etc. And as perverse as this thinking is in the first place, even if there were some truth to it, it frequently works.
Not only that, but you generic you will take it upon yourself to make their excuses for them - they blow you off four times in a row, you start telling yourself some story about "busy at work" or god knows what. They segue from fulfilling your every wish before you even have time to become aware of it to not taking their eye off the computer screen or TV even if you are half-dying next to them, and you find some excuse re. They clearly prepare the cheat, or have already cheated, you rationalise it, telling yourself that of course they acted out and got cold feet, after all, they were so serious about you so soon that they needed the freak-out period before settling with you.